I'll just sigh, cry, and walk away...
by Ukyou
Summary: Aiy...I'm finally relating my situation in a CCS fic. Lets just say...something happened to me and I had to let it all out in a CCS angst fic. I really don't care if you review, read, or anything...I just had to let this out...


I'll cry, sigh, and just…walk away…

**I'll cry, sigh, and just…walk away…**

****By Ukyou

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This fic is largely based upon the songs "Heart-Shaped Tears" from Lunar 2: Eternal Blue and "Drive" by Incubus

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I stood on the bridge, the beautiful bridge that I had always admired. I had my small radio playing songs that reminded me of so much…and yet I could not even bear to sing with them anymore. With that, I took the small radio, and threw it as far away from myself as possible. It landed in the river with a small splash, as I realized what I had done. I reached out…trying to get it again…but the radio continued playing…even as the music slowly faded away…

I sat down as tears formed near the rims of my eyes. I looked up, as I saw the moonlight shimmering across the water's edge. Down under the water was the tape that Sakura had given to me. I threw it over too. You know…its quite funny, really. I lost her. And now I threw over the only thing I had left of her. How typical. Not like I give a shit. 

Or at least…I don't give a shit…anymore…

Sometimes now…I find myself head in hands because I can't do anything anymore. Sakura is gone. Li is gone. There is no more Sakura and Li. Theres only me and Tomoyo. And as I said to Sakura before she left. I'm…powerless…

I'm alone…all alone sometimes. I hate it. Even Tomoyo seems so far away…its madening…I can't stand it. I've gotten to the point to not knowing…just how I will feel in the near future when I see Sakura and Syaoran. I've lost all my self-esteem. I've lost my confidence. Sometimes, I think I've even lost my will to live. But why…why would I lose everything just because Sakura and Syaoran are gone…

Its because..maybe…besides Tomoyo, Sakura and Syaoran were the only things I had. Now…its only me and Tomoyo.

Before she left…I was the last person to speak with Sakura. I felt so confident I could stop her from leaving. Even as I spoke though…I felt as if somehow…I wasn't reaching out to her. It seemed like she was so far away at the same time…and I couldn't reach her. Then, she just…disappeared.

Maybe that's why I'm so depressed now. Maybe its because…it hurt so much. It hurt so much to lose Sakura. As much as people say it wasn't possible to doanything…there was something I could have done. I could have just left…knowing it was hopeless. Still, being the hopeful and confident bastard I was, I FAILED!!!!!

In fact…I've had several nightmares about it. 

Sakura would be standing in front of me, as we stood in a field of cherry blossoms…and she would run away. I ran after her, the wind gently carving away the cherry blossoms around me. Still…she always ran fastedr than me…just that tiny bit away from my reach. Then…I would see her run past Tomoyo, as she stared deep inside my soul. Immediately…Tomoyo would slap me in the face…but smiling still. Something that haunted me. From there…I would wake up.

I cannot imagine just how Tomoyo feels. I know she feels something. Being in love with her…and knowing her for as long as I…I know this. She is hiding it. And that is why she was smiling at me while she slapped me in my dream. She's depressed, but she's trying to hide it away with another face.

I've tried pathetically since then…to try and talk to Syaoran. He had been ignoring me for some time. I didn't know what to say at all. Not at all. He was denying our friendship…our trust…it seemed. He was ignoring it all. 

In actuality…what had split him and Sakura apart…the exact same thing…was endangeriung my very own relationship with Tomoyo. You see…I was forbidden to ever talk to Tomoyo again…ever…for my mother was clearly against it. And still, still…I sneak off my relationship. I allow it to continue. I risk it all..because I truly love her.

I tried as many methods as I could to talk to Syaoran…knowing that I lost Sakura. When I finally did talk to him, I burst out in tears literally. This had all hurt me too much…and I forgot completly what I was to say to him. I can't talk anymore to anyone…I've lost that power…its gone…

And soon…I realized that there was nothing for me to do at all. I had merely been playing myself…doing what I thought was best…but my emotions had…just…controlled me.

And I'm powerless to control them. I hate myself for that.

If I could…I would just disappear. I want to get rid of everything and not see anyone from my group ever again. Still…Tomoyo. I love her…with all my heart. I can't stand to be without her. 

Even right now, as Syaoran and Sakura cry out heart-shaped tears…I can only sit down here…on my favorite bridge. Powerless to do anything. All I can do is sit down…sigh…cry…and walk away…

---_Author's notes_

Y'know…there used to be a time in which…well, I could actually…reach out and help people. I failed. This is written with real feelings….so, it'll be my heart your damaging. In fact, say what you want to say…I doubt anything can make me worse than I already am. I'm sorry…I haven't been myself lately. The fact is…something happened…and I had to write about it before I went crazy. Still…this is exactly how I feel.

Sometimes, I guess…we're just not meant to fix things at all. I don't know what to say to this. If I couldn't fix anything…then why…why did I have to lose my self-esteem and everything? WHY CAN'T I BE ABLE TO HELP ANYONE ANYMORE?! WHY MUST I BE THE ONE IN NEED OF HELP?!

--

_Sometimes…I feel the fear of…_

_Uncertainty stinging clear_

_And I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear take the wheel and steer_

_ _

_Its driven me before…and it appears to have a vague _

_haunting mass appeal_

_And lately I_

_am beginning to find that I_

_Should be the one behind the wheel._

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there 

_With open arms and open eyes, yeah_

_Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there_

_ _

_So if I, decide to wavier my chance to be one of the hive_

_Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?_

_ _

_Its driven me before and it appears to be the way_

_that everyone else gets around_

And lately I am beginning to find that when I drive myself… 

_My light is found_

_ _

_So, whatever tomorrow brings_

_I'll be there_

_With open arms and open eyes…_

_Whatever tomorrow beings, I'll be there_

_I'll be there…_

_ _

_--_

_ _

__**Take a bow**

_ _

_~fin_


End file.
